Tasting Nirvana

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Free Write Friday ~ Grace Notes by JM Fuller featuring “The Shadow of Your Smile~ Gil Fuller & Monterey Jazz Festival Orchestra performed by Dizzy Gillespie

Happy Free Write Friday! Wishing you a joyous holiday season filled Joy, fun, inspiration, freedom and peace…

This is an excerpt from: The Sounds I Felt: Improvisations on Freedom This is a Literary Companion to my father’s CD and the selection that sums up my Season of Improvisation in 1965 is “The Shadow of Your Smile” (Love Theme from the Sandpiper) I hope you enjoy it

Grace Notes

Dear Dad,

Thank you for giving me life.

Mom and God gave me all the rest.

Here’s what I have learned from my greatest teachers….

My journey began from the 1^st sound of you humming the song you wrote for me.

Releasing my heart to search for the life that is waiting for me.

You were the one who taught me to dance atop your feet when you were called

To be the Conductor for the 1965 Monterey Jazz Festival Orchestra

The summer of 1965 would be my master class in the art of jazz improvisation.

It was a master class filled with civil, women’s rights and a cultural revolution that changed the face of American Life

August set things off.

Bringing forth a Tsunamic red tide attacking, redefining Life with discordant notes of ignorance, illiteracy, desolation, fear and destruction.

And so my song took flight.

Timing is critical in jazz as in life,

Knowing when to stop, start, step it up, slow it down

And more so, and

oh so important is to learn how to wait thru the strife.

Jazz harmony is the theory and practice of changing chords,

where major and minor scales share the same space in a timeless bond…

progressions depart in thirds and stacked fourths

favoring harmonic progressions where tensions in intervals of 9^th , 11^th, or 13^th abound.

Learned about the search for meaning, intentions and having the blues

Finding your truth and appreciating a life of humility

‘cause the universe is misting the air with valuable clues

now you have the essence of a universal tranquility.

Notes are just window dressing a façade you create

listen to the spoken word filled with meaning

of the path and choices you debate

Play it slant is the message best heard in the evening.

Learned that being different is the integral part of the plan

pressing forward seeing how far you can reach

harmonies in real-time, flowing and ebbing broadening the span

of improvisational context is what matters in all you teach .

Learned that playing jazz has four elements

broadening your words and expressing every letter

in a charismatic way to enhance

finding your intentions and mixing all together

where freedom and coordination can really dance.

Jazz has the power to go deep within,

having a relationship with you as next of kin

surpassing arrogance into a love of sound and words

sharing that experience like the legends you’ve heard.

Now three years after your death,

I discovered in your music room the Gibson Guitar in case you gave to me

Nestled beneath the pristine guitar

A hand written note to me,

like in a bottle,

Uncorked my heart you wrote,

July 30, 1979

Jan,

Jazz is my language.

Notes are all I know to tell you how much I love you,

And I know that that is not what you wanted,

I wanted to spare you the struggles I faced to be

Your dad and to express the love for my family through

Jazz without words.

So now I am going to tell you that I know you

Were secretly writing in your room.

I want you to know what I couldn’t express it in notes…

If you truly want to be a writer,

you will have to sacrifice your life.

that words are the loves of your life.

It is a choice that you cannot shake.

It brings happiness, patience, love and peace.

You are miserable and tortured if you don’t write.

Self-expression is overrated when it comes to

the ‘hour of the wolf’

when it seems that the words are discordant and fretful.

The trick is they are your children

be humble and allow them the love and respect that you claim for yourself.

I was very fortunate to have met your mother, she gave me you and your brother.

So I did not have to make that choice alone.

So your family is words and jazz replete with lessons on life,

discernment and discovering who you are,

who you’ve been and most of all be grateful

to God for the talent to write.

Write your heart out, share your soul.

That is what happens to me when I am writing a song.

The notes are my children too. I know you think that I made your life difficult,

but you will realize some day that when you look back

it is the fuel you’ll need to be who you are.

That’s your story.

Love Dad

In 2000, I was saved by jazz

healing my soul and my body from

breast cancer’s trials and tribulations

Finding peace on earth filled with

joyous jubilation!

I am waiting and discovering a life filled with wonder and love…

I am definitely on the right wake…

portions of hard times, mean and hurtful folks, mistakes, failures

creating a wisdom that it is

It is not the number of years in a life that matters…it is the life in the years that counts.

To this end, for all of my life coaches,

I have,

Fallen in love with sounds and words,

They are truly the grace notes that have transfromed

and healed my life.

Thank you so much,

Your loving daughter,

Jannat

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“Les Miz” is Alive & Well ~ The Plight of Homeless in East Bay California USA featuring Gypsy Woman (She Is Homeless) George White Group

“So long as ignorance and poverty exist on earth, books of the nature of Les Miserables cannot fail to be of use.” Victor Hugo, Les Misérables

“We seldom realize, for example, that our most private thoughts and emotions are not actually our own. For we think in terms of languages and images we did not invent, but which were given to us by our society. We copy emotional reactions from our parents, learning from them that excrement is suppose to have a disgusting smell and that vomiting is suppose to be an unpleasant sensation. The dread of death is also learned from anxieties about sickness and from their attitudes to funerals and corpses. Our social environment has this power just because we do not exist apart from a society. Society is our extended mind and body. Yet the very society from which the individual is inseparable is using its whole irresistible force to persuade the individual that he is indeed separate! Society as we know it is therefore playing a game with self-contradictory rules.” Alan Watts says…November 12, 2016

Excerpt from: When Jazz Becomes Freedom (treatment)

Welcome to the woderful World of Homelessness & Poverty. It is only temporary. Jazzmin refused to take residence. The Zen alarm on her cell phone @8:52 am chimed this message , It had been a long night . Nights filled with tortured and sleepless filled with fear of epic proportions every time Jazz had to go to the bathroom. Since the first day, it was on the hour. This is the best description of the level of emotional turmoil and investment of understanding of the World of Homelessness. It is not based on curiosity mind you, because you see enough images and stories, it is based on how the hell a person who grew up in a comfortable, safe eleven room house, two loving parental units in a 60s suburb nestled between Hollywood and Beverly Hills where listening to Jazz was the only substrate and at the tender age of three, fell in love with sounds and words, landed in The Blade.

LOGLINE: “When Jazz Becomes Freedom” After her mother’s death on Mother’s Day from breast cancer, a boomer artist is dropped into living for13 ½ years in the dangerous world of Poverty & Homelessness facing her final and biggest struggle to break free of its clutches.

Jazzmin (“Jazz”) has changed. It is now from the inside out. It is where the entire concept of Homelessness is called into question. Homeless refers to having a home, working and making a living where you have the stuff that supports your lifestyle. THE PROBLEM: Our Society’s constructive definition or as Jazz’s slumlord refers to as those people , are comprised of veterans; convicted drug felons; the mentally ill (untreated); those with addictions (in/out of recovery); those released from jail or prison (for theft, murder and sexual assault); and last but not least unskilled, illiterate folks fleeing subhuman conditions by the thousands who never ever experienced living in a “HOME” are now considered HOMELESS. It is a NO WIN situation. Hard to believe and even harder to survive. Therein lies the riff.

When you take a closer look at Affordable Housing, in this world and Housing Programs are based on the main construct for resolving issues for the segment of the population that want to have a job, home, car, kids, lifestyle…. That does not fit the life of a homeless person. And the conditions upon which they have to choose to live in represents the sediment of American Society. Jazz’s transformation and was submerged into the last part of the journey. It is where the 7 Deadly Sins are played out. The disorder introduced into our human nature by Adam’s fall from grace reveals itself especially through seven dominant vices known in our Catholic tradition as the capital sins. These are: pride, avarice, lust, anger, gluttony, envy, and sloth. We call them “capital” sins (from the Latin caput, meaning “head”) because they are the sources or fountainheads of all the sins people commit, whether sins of commission or sins of omission. We call them “deadly” because they cause spiritual death.” Archbishop Fulton J. Sheen liked to call them the “seven pallbearers of the soul.”

Spiritual growth is impossible unless we try to dig up the roots of our sins with the help of God’s illuminating and sanctifying grace. This is Jazz’s 288 day journey…

Don’t Drink the Water

The Situation: Space between Living and Struggling to Survive. Formation of Partnership

First step is creating a healthy partnership with our own spirit so that it becomes clear and necessary to partner with your soul and inner life.

For me, the Ocean represents and beautifully exemplifies life’s natural and perfect Partnership. They are inextricably interconnected, yet fully independent, each giving and receiving life support in equal portion. New partnership is filled with possibilities that are filled with joy, inspire, and will sustain you through times of deep trouble and when you have a win/win partnership, it brings a tremendous about of abundance, harmony, and aliveness into your life. So the Dark Night of the Soul’s question is: Are you that person that you would love to partner with? Experience has proven, like attracts like, so the quickest way to attract an ideal partner is to be an ideal partner. Jazzmin had been unhappy too long to remember.

Wait there’s more! Stay tuned…

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Free Write Friday ~ 50 Shades of JazZen Poetics ~ Jazz Is My Religion by Ted Joans featuring a short snap of Jazz Is My Religion by Django Novo

When folks thought Jazz, religion was not the first consideration that came to mind back in the Roaring Twenty daze. The new American sound called “Jazz” dropped into American life in the 20’s by challenging what it felt like to live in America as a Jazz musician. Civil Rights, Poverty, Women’s Rights and ultimately the emancipation from society’s deadly moral clutches. Especially impacting the Cultural Revolution through the Literary Arts, i.e., Poetry, fashion, lifestyles and mass media were transformed by this so called “basement” music that took the United States and the World by a storm of “Tsunami” magnitude. Jazz music also exacerbated the racial tensions in the post war period. Jazz improvisation is different in the sense of learning the process of being a musician, for instance sight singing, music theory and improvisational styles. Well the part we never see nor realize is the reason why Monk, Miles, Coltrane, or Herbie Hancock make improvisation look so easy and simple is that they practiced till their fingers and lips bled; they listened, learned and emulated their idol’s sound to near perfection; studied jazz improvisation techniques and last but the most important ingredient is EXPERIENCE and the wisdom they gained along the way. The thing is jazz was like studying life and the process of expressing it is where all the practice and time pay off, but you would never know it. Why? Because it’s their passion. So the job, home, family took on a whole new meaning. As always, society can’t help itself but to judge what they don’t understand. That applies to Jazz and its literary expressions. They are filled with the same elements of music theory like timbre, cadence, color, rhythm just to name a few and are expressions of American Life.

Ted Joans (1928-2003), a poet and artist dropped into the scene achieving notoriety as a graffiti artist spray-painting “Bird Lives” on city walls immediately after the death of Charlie Parker in 1955, he spent his entire career writing poems about jazz or that imitated jazz playing. The most popular and well read jazz poem of his is “Jazz is My Religion.” In this brief excerpt, devotion to a pure, non-commercial jazz is seen as a form of piety, the purity of the commitment matching the purity of the art, a common feeling among many jazz fans and musicians of the post-World War II era.

Also emerging at the same time as Joans was Beat poet Bob Kaufman (1925-1986), whose poetry was often improvised on the spot, frequently not written down, in much the spirit of the jazz musician. Free Jazz was emerging and Jazz lead the way in terms the phenomenal women, the Harlem Renaissance and Free Jazz. Religion and Spirituality has always been at the heart of all Jazz.

Jazz Is My Religion

by Ted Joans

JAZZ is my religion and it alone do I dig the jazz
clubs are my houses of worship and sometimes the concert halls

but some
holy places are too commercial (like churches) so I
don’t dig the
sermons there I buy jazz sides to dig in solitude Like
man/Harlem,
Harlem U.S.A. used used to be a jazz heaven where most of
the jazz
sermons were preached but now-a-days due to chacha
cha and
rotten rock ‘n’roll alotta good jazzmen have sold their
souls but jazz
is still my religion because I know and feel the message
it brings
like reverend Dizzy Gillespie/Brother Bird and
Basie/Uncle
Armstrong/Minister Monk/ Deacon Miles Davis/ Rector
Rollins/
Priest Ellington/ His funkness Horace Silver/ and the great
Pope
John, John COLTRANE and Cecil Taylor They
Preach A Sermon
That Always Swings!!

Yeah jazz is MY religion Jazz
is my story
it was my mom’s and pop’s and their moms and pops
from the days of Buddy Bolton who swung them blues to Charlie
Parker and
Ornette Coleman‘s extension of Bebop Yeah jazz is my
religion
Jazz is unique musical religion the sermons spread
happiness and
joy to be able to dig and swing inside what a
wonderful feeling

jazz is/YEAH BOY!! JAZZ is my religion and dig this:
it wasn’t for
us to choose because they created it for a damn good
reason as a
weapon to battle our blues!JAZZ is my religion and its
international all the way JAZZ is just an Afro-American
music
and like us its here to stay So remember that JAZZ is
my religion
but it can be your religion too but JAZZ is a truth that is
always
black and blue Hallelujah I love JAZZ so Hallelujah I
dig JAZZ so
Yeah JAZZ IS MY RELIGION…….

Thank you for swinging by…Laissez les bons temps rouler!

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Tell It Slant Tuesday ~ SURVIVORS BEWARE! MEDI-CAL is a Death Sentence for SSA-DI Retired California Workers forcing them into POVERTY

To be living, growing, changing beings in a living, growing, changing Universe opens a larger, more dynamic sense of relationship, to each other and the world, as we journey through the depth and surface of life. To find our way, alone and together, is the purpose of spiritual friendship. All we can do is hold each other up in the journey of becoming who we are, while sharing our experience of the mysterious Unity of Life.” Mark Nepo

Before it is too late….

It is time for California MEDI-CAL ADMINISTRATORS to STOP TAKING FUNDS FROM SSA Retired Workers DI RETURNING FUNDS BACK TO THE RIGHTFUL OWNERS. No person on SSA-DI should be living in poverty or even at the Supplemental Poverty Level because SSA-DI paid into the FICA program. Please join us in the campaign to STOP FUNDING SSP grants and the cost of living adjustment using SSA-DI Funds . SSA-DI Workers need Food Stamp programs because their benefit income based on SSI/SSP in California has been used against them.

Since January 2009, the SSI/SSP grant of $907 a month was worth 100.5 percent of the federal poverty level for a single individual. Since then, SSP grants were repeatedly cut, while no cost of living adjustments (COLA) were provided. Individual SSI/SSP grants are now worth just 90.7 percent of the federal poverty level, but if these cuts had not occurred, the grants would be worth 106.7 percent of the federal poverty level (California Budget Project). These cuts have pushed more than 1 million people below the federal poverty level. This is a significant reason why we have seen our poverty rate skyrocket to the nation’s highest, according to the Census Bureau’s Supplemental Poverty Measure. Retired workers should not be supporting workers who have never worked and can’t afford to live on the SSI income.

These cuts are being felt statewide, and have caused irreparable damage to Survivors who are forced to live on their earned income amount as well as participate in the Share of Cost program giving the County folks yet another opportunity to take from SSA-DI Annuity, Inheritance as Unearned Income as well as any other savings plan or life insurance to support a program that is literally taking the food and health care benefits out of the mouths of US Retired workers. These cuts come at a high cost to communities across the state, by forcing SSI/SSP recipients to rely on emergency public services and private networks to meet food, shelter, and health needs which is also funded by SSA Retired Workers. This has got to STOP! If future Retired Workers do not stop the California MEDI-CAL General Fund Administrators and Law Makers to stop funding SSI programs with SSA funds otherwise their will not be enough to survive on. Please show up and show out at the polls to stop these politicians from making themselves look good by continuing to take from the Middle Class who has and continues to support our country. Peace Out! iSurvivor Chick

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9 EZ PZ Ways to Happy Creative life with Special Video Snap of Nonconformity and the Creative Life

“All our problems and all our unhappiness are created by our uncontrolled mind and our non-virtuous actions. By engaging in the practice of dharma, we can learn to pacify and control our mind, abandon non-virtuous actions and their root cause, and thereby attain permanent peace, the true cessation of all our suffering.” ~ Geshe Langri Tangpa of the Kadampa Lineage

Mindfulness is the Survivor’s greatest weapon when it comes to managing living with cancer and dealing with life’s daily fun filled challenges. I wish that as part of the entire process after being diagnosed that the Integrative Oncology Wellness team would have been a part of the treatment team sixteen years ago. This way whatever the treatment plan coordinates so that it involves the mind in the spirit. It was as though my body went through all of the horrifying side effects and the mind and spirit were left in a state of limbo and confusion for extended periods of time. When the treatment was finished then I was given the all clear but there was nothing for what to do with my life from there with a new body and an unprepared mind. I was not only going through this alone, I was also my mother’s caregiver and there was no support. Now I find there is NO support for Survivors who live beyond the extended survival date. All Wellness Programs relate to those who are undergoing treatment and those that fall outside of that window as I have been and continue to be turned away. In essence there is no Support or Wellness programs available for survivors over 2 years. This is WRONG!

So, I had to DYI my life and it was by using Mindfulness to deal with the Stress and to explore myself to find out what makes me happy now living with cancer. Integrative Oncology didn’t exist in 2000. Research has shown and Time Magazine has just done a special edition pointing out how Mindfulness is the way to a Happy and Healthy Life. With that, I, as a neuroscientist, Survivor Advocate, 16 year survivor and writer am LIVING PROOF that mindfulness in conjunction with building a daily practice using jazz improvisational techniques, and for me Poetry is what gets me to Show Up as Survivor who, through time found a path that some days are good and others not, but, I am not suffering as a result. Who wouldn’t want a Happy solution…. So here are the 9 EZ steps to putting a little creativity into your way precious and valuable life.

Creativity – is having the ability or power to create. It is characterized as living in the moment and evokes approaching life with originality or looking at life with a fresh perspective using your imagination and expressing yourself in a style that is uniquely You. Sounds cool right? So why not live like this every day? Sometimes the hardest part is taking the first step.

Here are 9 suggested inspired steps to help you start living a creative way of life:

Be willing to try something new.

Step out of your daily routine and did something totally different? Take a dance class, go to a concert or try a new jazz club near you to experience something that is a departure from your normal routine. Try a new radio station or grab a pencil and start sketching the trees in your own backyard or a park where you see children (they could be yours) take a vegan or gourmet cooking class @ a Natural Food Store to engage in a creative action. Creative thinking and creative action occurs when you decide that you want to jazz up your everyday life.

Create something with your own hands on a regular basis.

Set the table following a layout from your favorite magazine, i.e., I like Coastal Living they have wonderful recipes and table settings that are really festive and different. Make time to try something new. For example go to the art section of your favorite department store and come up with a theme for the centerpiece with flowers, object, etc. Check out DYI sites on your computer. It is a lot of fun when you do it as a family and or friend thing.

Express yourself through movement it could be dancing to music or watch a classic film, game or performing arts of a play or opera. creativeStart a writingor book club.

You have the option of creating whatever fun filled game board night, or learn a new dance step or routine to break away from your usual nightly routine. It does not have to cost a lot of money, just use your imagination.

Integrate Creativity into your daily life.

Begin by scheduling time on your calendar for it. You don’t have to go crazy. Start off with maybe twice a month. Make it an intention as you would when you are meditating for a positive and productive day. Chances are you will not consider it foreign or uncomfortable because you are pacing yourself to experience life differently. Pick your own pace and find Parks and recreation programs that go to Wine Country or Hiking or Ballroom Dancing where there is not a long term commitment and you can sign up without going into debt. My cable company has dance, yoga, exercise as part of the cable package for free!

Design or make something for your office or your room that is made by you.

Your surroundings are a reflection of your uniqueness. Inspiration is the catalyst for more creativity, grace and character. So it is wonderful to surround yourself with objects that you make or you find in unusual places. Hand-made objects evoke vivid memories as well as diversify your experiences.

Find interesting and exotic creative spaces.

Museums, art shows or galleries, outdoor exhibits, theatres and outdoor performances will places remind and cultivate our innate creative abilities.

Take time-outs or break for new inspiration

Inspiration is everywhere! Check with friends, family, coworkers, etc. suggestions of creative ideas they enjoy. Get the conversation on creativity going.

Let your creative juices flow and explore everything!

Keep in touch with your creative network. Dialog and you will both be inspired.

Be a creative outlet.

Talk about unique and unusual experiences to friends, email, start a blog or a Creative Living Circle. Just be relaxed and free to do whatever suits your fancy.

At the end of the day, be yourself. The possibilities are endless. Just include love, compassion, grace, forgiveness and most of all YOU! There is no right answer. Not happy with a choice, just make another one. And now for a short vid on nonconformity….You are here! Peace and Love Out! JBC 😎 & ❤

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Gear Up Breast Cancer Survivors We R about to Kick Life into Full Swing 4 Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

JazZen4Life is an integrated healing and transformative program that uses Jazz Improvisation techniques with respect to knowing what your talent is; and Zen Mindfulness and the 6 Element Meditations and Blank Space in Healing Arts ~ Poetry (Voices Above The Fray). You make your own choices—each literary expression reflects one aspect of your personality or experience or dukkha or suffering. Each session will begin with a poem as the trigger or pastiche and through meditation and mindfulness you are guided to intuitively open your mind and your heart to self-discovery. Through various healing art techniques, listening to jazz in many genres to joyfully deepen your understanding of the relationships between your inner and outer worlds; your family/community/world, and then what your experience was like and the choices you have to live a full and happy life.

The most important part is to start your new life living with cancer would be Self Care. The oncologist and surgeons did their job of keeping you alive. Now the staying alive is up to you. So, for Breast Cancer Month starting this Saturday, let’s begin with a great website that has an even cooler app. It is One Green Planet where they have an awesome program called: 30 Days to a Healthier You: A Daily Checklist of Wellness Tips. I am all set to start Saturday morning as I head out to Walnut Creek California for a Lymphedema support group meeting.

JazZen4Life ~ Voices Above the Fray Poetry is the Integrative Poetry Workshop Series component of iSurvivor where you can DYI 2 Write Ur Dream Life using these tecniques.

“Funny how a melody sounds like a memory.” By Eric Church

My new beginning always involves finding ways to actualize my dream to be an author was accepting a major aspect of the writing life was solitary confinement . It has been that way for the past twelve and a half years. “Wild Dreams of a New Beginning” by Lawrence Ferlinghetti is a poem that spoke directly to my heart. Acoustic alchemy provided by Herbie Hancock the man who always inspires infinite possibilities in my life,

“Wild Dreams Of A New Beginning”

by Lawrence Ferlinghetti

There’s a breathless hush on the freeway tonight
Beyond the ledges of concrete
restaurants fall into dreams
with candlelight couples
Lost Alexandria still burns
in a billion lightbulbs
Lives cross lives
idling at stoplights
Beyond the cloverleaf turnoffs
‘Souls eat souls in the general emptiness’
A piano concerto comes out a kitchen window
A yogi speaks at Ojai
‘It’s all taking pace in one mind’
On the lawn among the trees
lovers are listening
for the master to tell them they are one
with the universe
Eyes smell flowers and become them
There’s a deathless hush
on the freeway tonight
as a Pacific tidal wave a mile high
sweeps in
Los Angeles breathes its last gas
and sinks into the sea like the Titanic all lights lit
Nine minutes later Willa Cather‘s Nebraska
sinks with it
The sea comes over in Utah
Mormon tabernacles washed away like barnacles
Coyotes are confounded & swim nowhere
An orchestra onstage in Omaha
keeps on playing Handel’s Water Music
Horns fill with water
ans bass players float away on their instruments
clutching them like lovers horizontal
Chicago’s Loop becomes a rollercoaster
Skyscrapers filled like water glasses
Great Lakes mixed with Buddhist brine
Great Books watered down in Evanston
Milwaukee beer topped with sea foam
Beau Fleuve of Buffalo suddenly become salt
Manhatten Island swept clean in sixteen seconds
buried masts of Amsterdam arise
as the great wave sweeps on Eastward
to wash away over-age Camembert Europe
manhatta steaming in sea-vines
the washed land awakes again to wilderness
the only sound a vast thrumming of crickets
a cry of seabirds high over
in empty eternity
as the Hudson retakes its thickets
and Indians reclaim their canoes

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What Do Cancer Survivors and U.S. Veterans believe in common? There is more to being Alive than just Breathing and No, We are not Grateful Living Drenched in an Attitude of “Beggars Can’t be Choosers…”

Jazz is smooth and cool. Jazz is rage. Jazz flows like water. Jazz never seems to begin or end. Jazz isn’t methodical, but jazz isn’t messy either. Jazz is a conversation, a give and take. Jazz is the connection and communication between musicians. Jazz is abandon. ~ Nat Wolff

Actually, I don’t know what other survivors think because for the past 20 years I have been living in the margins of American life. Of course I could blame this on something common like the neuropathy that took me down from a very active and productive life, which I never heard of before. I was paralyzed. Or maybe the oh so common theme for the baby boomers was it was …”the rents fault” even better the man, anti-establishment, blah, blah blah.

I was born with a successful jazz arranger/conductor father who, you wouldn’t know it by looking at him, was a straight up, no holds barred, chauvinist of the more traditionally drenched deadly type. He felt that the best way he could protect me from the “bad” things in life was to control mom’s and mine.

He wrote a song for me when I was 4 apparently it was a contract he made with himself to enforce it. I spent most of my childhood in my room. Not chained to a radiator but imprisoned by some undefined sense of guilt, a duty as a daughter and powerless to do otherwise. I grew up all jazz. Not complaining, just that it is yet another layer that is so opaque that the truth became buried in pages in the books I read and poetry I wrote for an audience of one. That changed in 1965 which for me was when I had truly fallen in love with music, words, and the Blank Space of which was filled with wonderful possibilities.

Being a Survivor comes in many layers and over the past twenty years the layers have gotten thicker. Jazz is all about conversation. It is when freedom of expression is allowed. Where being totally present is a requirement. Well there were three conversations I had with my father, but this one is the one that not only confirmed my suspicions that this conversation revealed what my father felt about himself. Ever since I was eleven years old I thought it was my fault that I was not the girl he wrote the song for and if he didn’t love me why should I? What remained in my heart was the last words that clang through my head to this day… Funny thing I loved him no matter what and followed him everywhere in 1965 like a “mini-me” of him throughout all of the rehearsals and live performance. But, those words some twenty five years after still cut through my heart with the same fear and anger…

”You brought this on yourself! I told you that I am only doing what is best for you. You can’t come back home and stop calling your mother at work you will get her fired. Welcome to the Harsh Reality of Doing it Your Way!”

I didn’t say a word as the phone lay propped against my quaking chin slippery from the tears that fell from a shackled tree. My arms lay dead at my side and my legs on fire and numb at the same time. It was hours before I was set to begin my eight treatments of Plasmapheresis which drained my blood and replaced it with human albumin. Now this was the only treatment for this neuropathy. As a neuroscientist the experiments done in the lab were what I thought were noble, to find new pathways for nerve growth in spinal chord injuries or regenerating bone cells there was through electromagnetic fields were done on the body without any consideration of what was going on in the patient’s mind and spirit. It is conceivable to not be concerned when we are talking about dogs, or cats, monkeys or rats. But humans, that is where we are now and I am terribly frightened that the Frankenstein syndrome has taken affect. That life has been reduced to materialistic and is quantified by increasing the years of survival. So the plan is to keep chasing the cure and forget about the carnage of the survivors left to figure out what to do with the rest of their lives. Somehow I am having a hard time separating my father’s last words and how I feel when I even think of the word “Survivor”.

Actually, until now, I wish I was given the right and the choice to decide for myself because I am living with the unintended consequences that through no fault of mine I got GBS, Uterine and Breast Cancer, I now have Lymphedema I can’t afford treatment for and of course with being a 62 year old, single, female, missing body parts, weakened and rapidly deteriating neuropathy and being treated and feeling like I should feel lucky that I am alive, I don’t think so…It sucks. And it is rightfully my choice with respect to the astronomical cost to save my life when I can’t afford to stay alive because of the circumstances. Nobody seems to care. They suggest therapy because they have accomplished their goal. Now the rest is up to me? NOT! In the next posts will delve into the mindfulness of being a Survivor or the Secret Life of a Survivor…

So mindfully, Mary Oliver’s poem resonates so loudly in my soul…”Every day, I see or hear something that more or less kills me with delight.”

Mindful
by Mary Oliver

Every Day
I see or hear
something
that more or less

kills me
with delight,
that leaves me
like a needle

in the haystack
of light.
It is what I was born for—
to look, to listen,

to lose myself
inside this soft world—
to instruct myself
over and over

in joy,
and acclamation.
Nor am I talking
about the exceptional,

the fearful, the dreadful,
the very extravagant—
but of the ordinary,
the common, the very drab

the daily presentations.
Oh, good scholar,
I say to myself,
how can you help

but grow wise
with such teachings
as these—
the untrimmable light

of the world,
the ocean’s shine,
the prayers that are made
out of grass?

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3 EZ PZ Self Care Happy Beats When the Forecast ain’t nothing but the Blues

Mindfulness and the techniques I learned from jazz improvisation that my father taught me as well as using my love of literary and visual arts saved my life. Through developing a practice over the past 25 years, I have learned to rewire my mind through neuroplasticity techniques so that I am not stuck in “Victim” mode feeling more helpless than I did before I received the diagnosis. I realized that it would have been ideal if there was a Mindfulness meditative or visualization that was introduced in order to start thinking and building a practice that you have control over and will give relief from the stresses of the treatment, but it allows you to be an active participant in your life. Once the body was taken care of, they give me a big ass smile and a slap on the back telling me that you are all set. We have saved your life, now, the rest is up to you. Now, if you have the ideal situation, you know, this whole cancer business is just a dream and I am cured so I can go back to what I was doing. That is not true in my case. And beause I am so damn good at taking care of my self, pampering and doing things that before the diagnosis I thought was decadent.

Here are three mindfulness improvisation self care tips that will leave bad habits in the dust and shed light into your life bringing you to your very special happy place.

Here is one of my Happiest Beats from my childhood…

If you follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. Wherever you are — if you are following your bliss, you are enjoying that refreshment, that life within you, all the time. ~ Joseph Campbell

Mindfulness is your portal to be present in your daily life. For me mindfulness in concert with techniques from jazz improvisation is a way for me to live creatively in the moment and not emotionally reacting to everything and everyone. When we live in the present it allows us to let go of the pain of the past and the worries or expectations of the future so we can focus on what we have now. It is not a matter of denial or I will be happy with a million bucks or all of my bills are paid because the price of living is that bills will always be there. There will always be an expense for living. Finding gratitude for the things we do, even the smallest thing gives me a sense of peace. Worry over being able to meet our daily lives takes us out of ourselves and life, then seems like an uphill battle and we lose sight of the present moment. We get caught up and eventually will disappear from our lives. Mindfulness gives you the choice of what to focus on and redirects the mind to stop letting the past shape and distort the future and lose the present moment. You no longer dwell on things you cannot change and rely and react emotionally to them which can be quite exhausting. One of the biggest perks of mindfulness is that you can minimize anxiety and stress. Living in the moment and creatively brings more joy, clarity, wellness and energy.

The best way to cultivate mindfulness is through meditation So how can you do this? When you meditate you can detach yourself and become a witness or an observer and it will release you to explore ways that work for you. Now it takes a whole lot of practice and finding a different perspective to help you to find your happy quiet space between those thoughts. You quiet your ego driven, obsessive thinking (“monkey mind”, and start responding instinctively. Meditation allows you to relax and to listen to your inner spirit that will allow your thoughts to detach and flow. This is the Happy Place, where you begin awakening and manifesting your dreams. You are now in touch with who you really are; with what matters most to you as well as becomes your way of improvising on life so you face adversity and the challenges in your daily routine imparting your own style.

Here are three mindfulness improvisation tips for self care that will leave bad habits in the dust and shed light into your life bringing you to your very special happy place.

#1: . Get Your Mind into it: Mindfulness Meditation

When I started 20 years ago I began with ten, then fifteen minute meditation twice a day. First thing in the morning and then again in the evening at the end of your day. Here is one of my favorites.

Mindfulness Meditation – Quick 15 Min Stress Relief Version

If you want to fold it into your daily routine begin with eating a healthy, balanced diet that would include fresh organic food. Or how about a walking meditation or yoga class to help you to connect with your body that helps you to center yourself, and find balance? The benefits are a good night’s sleep that will rejuvenate and detoxify your mind and body.

#2: Taking Good Care of Yourself

Your objective ~ to connect with those things that truly make you happy. Target that thing, place, or activity that creates space every day. This is not negotiable and a top priority. A total Ah Ha! Moment!

Block out time in your day—take five minutes or an hour — start with a time frame you are most comfortable with. Do something you love. Listen to music, read a good book, sit in silence by the water or a fire, or even try dancing in your bare feet in the living room. Give yourself a star on your calendar every time you do it. Believe me, you will feel more inspired and creative.

#3: Flow with an Attitude of Gratitude

You can start by counting your blessings! This lets you realize how good your life truly is and connects you with the abundance in your life. I have found that it attracts more prosperity and is way more rewarding.. Surround yourself with what you think is beautiful, and be grateful for it in your home, your work space, your clothes, I think you get the picture.

I love to take this time and combine it with my nightly 15 minute mindfulness meditation routine just before bed. It is a perfect way to open your heart and to dream beautiful dreams. Mind you, I am no spring chicken and that it does not happen overnight. I am also a late bloomer so some folks get right away and then there are folks like me that work at it until it takes hold and opens your heart and life to the wonders and joy of life’s possibility. Give it a go. Peace and love out!

National Cancer Survivors Day

Woo Hoo, Just a Day? I say how about a lifetime…Where we can mindfully and spiritually live the lives we have dreamed of…Together we can…

Popular Cancer Research

NCDS

Today is the National Cancer Survivors Day. Whether you are a cancer survivor or cancer caregiver, give a big round of applause to yourself.

There are a few tips to help you become a healthier cancer survivor:

Eat right: consume more fruits and vegetables; limit processed and red meat.
Exercise: boost your stamina, lessen fatigue, and keep you on the road to better health.
Get regular cancer screening: catch any new cancers early, when treatments are more likely to be successful.

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Back To the Future ~Monterey Jazz Festival 2016 Remembering the Terror featuring “A Terror is More Certain . . . By Bob Kaufman”

Forty years ago today, large sections of South Los Angeles went up in flames. The violence and looting came to be known as the Watts riots. The chaos was a precursor to the urban unrest other cities would soon experience. In a few moments, we’ll hear from a man who continues to activism that sprang from the 1965 riots, but, first, some history. ~ Adolfo Guzman Lopez, Reporter for KPCC

Where were you when the Watts riots dropped the Tsunami of hate, violence, and most of all fear and pierced the veil of the Depression and the 50’s through the Industrial Revolution and the Information technology of Left Brainers sans the Compassion. It was just a matter of time before the Mind-Spirit portion of our Humanness becomes awakened to the unintended consequences of miracles and breakthroughs to automate and replace people. It has been over twenty years since Ihave been a survivor and the longer I survive the worse it gets. People nowadays get that glazed look on their face when you say you are a survivor. I first was in sensed because when the time came and I put my DNR into place and when it came time at 2:32 am on November 20, 2000 for me to be rolled back into the operating room and me stopping the gurney by holding onto the door frame “Wait, I have a DNR! Where the hell are we going?” Through her mask, “…let go, your mom rescinded it.” “Mom, what the He** is going on? Can’t you just let me go? After ten excruciatingly dizzying beats, “Not Now!”

That was my Fourth Noble Truth, that I figured out in my memoir where using jazz improvisation techniques, mindfulness meditations and literary and visual arts have saved my life. It was 1965 that kicked it all into motion and that is why I thought that sharing in the Freedom Beats companion would prove how I regard my breast cancer journey on a jazz lit canvas. The memories I seem to remember were having the feeling of helplessness, fear and at eleven years old, that was some pretty deep stuff. That is why I selected Bob Kaufman’s A Terror is More Certain capturing how listening to Angel City Blues the song beginning light and deliberations to an absolute terror filled frenzy of destruction and loss. What feelings do you experience when you listen? Peace Out!

A Terror is More Certain . . .

By Bob Kaufman

A terror is more certain than all the rare desirable popular songs I
know, than even now when all of my myths have become . . . , & walk
around in black shiny galoshes & carry dirty laundry to & fro, & read
great books & don’t know criminals intimately, & publish fat books of
the month & have wifeys that are lousy in bed & never realize how
bad my writing is because i am poor & symbolize myself.

A certain desirable is more terror to me than all that’s rare. How
come they don’t give an academic award to all the movie stars that
die? they’re still acting, ain’t they? even if they are dead, it should
not be held against them, after all they still have the public on their
side, how would you like to be a dead movie star & have people sit-
ting on your grave?

A rare me is more certain than desirable, that’s all the terror, there
are too many basketball players in this world & too much progress
in the burial industry, lets have old fashioned funerals & stand
around & forgive & borrow wet handkerchiefs, & sneak out for
drinks & help load the guy into the wagon, & feel sad & make a
date with the widow & believe we don’t see all of the people sink-
ing into the subways going to basketball games & designing baby
sitters at Madison Square Garden.

A certain me is desirable, what is so rare as air in a Poem, why can’t
i write a foreign movie like all the other boys my age, I confess to all
the crimes committed during the month of April, but not to save
my own neck, which is adjustable, & telescopes into any size noose,
I’m doing it to save Gertrude Stein’s reputation, who is secretly
flying model airplanes for the underground railroad stern gang of
oz, & is the favorite in all the bouts . . . not officially opened yet
Holland tunnel is the one who writes untrue phone numbers.

A desirable poem is more rare than rare, & terror is certain, who
wants to be a poet & work a twenty four hour shift, they never ask
you first, who wants to listen to the radiator play string quartets all
night. I want to be allowed not to be, suppose a man wants to
swing on the kiddie swings, should people be allowed to stab him
with queer looks & drag him off to bed & its no fun on top of a
lady when her hair is full of shiny little machines & your a**
reflected in that television screen, who wants to be a poet if you
f**k on t.v. & all those cowboys watching.

Source: Cranial Guitar (Coffee House Press, 1996)

Grace Notes

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“Wild Dreams Of A New Beginning”

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